Dear humans from an advanced civilization,

I want to state my opinion about this up-front. I believe you control those UFO/UAP things. That’s why I’m addressing this letter to you. Yes, I think you are humans. If I’m right, I’m sure you’re enhanced – full of computer parts and genetic engineering – but I bet you still fart, make love, and feel greed… just like the rest of us down here on the home-world.

Why am I so sure?

Three points.

Point 1: Your floating orbs, cubes and pyramids seem to share the sky with our aircraft. They can jam our radars and fly ultra-fast, dunking themselves underwater or up to space without breaking a sweat. Wow. Seriously. That’s amazing, but it doesn’t quite defy imagination. It’s not like we’ve seen a vast happy-face appear on the surface of the sun, and the moon hasn’t turned into a nice mild ricotta. It’s pretty obvious you aren’t gods. Some may argue that travelling aliens don’t need to be god-like, just more advanced than us – but if you’re moving between the stars without any regard for Einstein, I’m afraid you are closer to gods than little green men. At our current rate of scientific progress, my guess is that Earth people can expect to have vehicles like yours within the next 200 to 300 years. The possibility of so closely matching an alien civilization’s evolutionary arc is approximately 314159265358979.42 to 1.

Point 2: Alien planets are very far away. The closest stars are 4+ light-years out – an insane, mind-breaking distance – and we haven’t had any reliable indications of advanced life being there or anywhere else. We live in a diffuse neighbourhood where most of the stars are pretty spread out, and around here, everything’s quiet. In other words, if aliens wanted to come to Earth, even if they lived next door – which they probably don’t – it would be a very long-term commitment for them, indeed. Could they have faster than light ships? Or maybe they’re just robot drones expanding throughout the cosmos over the eons? Sure. Like other ideas, those are compelling theories, but they leave the currently demonstrable so far behind that Santa and the Easter Bunny become equally valid candidates.

Point 3: You’re acting like people. Who else would totter around, bobbing in and out of range, just out of sight? Who else would bother to control information so carefully? Who else would engage in this coy and protracted foreplay since the 1950s? A hive-mind? A pure energy consciousness? How about a group of space monkeys with big egos and cool toys they don’t want to share with the rest of us? Bets, anyone?

So now that my best guess is on the table, let’s have a talk.

Dear humans from an advanced civilization…

If I were you, I would evacuate any bases you’re keeping on the moon or Mars. We’re on our way, and if you stay there, we will find you – and addict you to cat videos and silk underwear. After decades of hide-and-seek, I can only assume that possibility terrifies you. If you still want to be the superior ones and keep a secret presence anywhere near Earth, I’d stick to Venus. It probably sucks there, but that’s what you get for leaping so far ahead of the rest of us. Don’t go crying now that you’re so advanced that you can barely identify emotionally with Earth people.

On that note, you are ahead of us – like Cortés and the Aztecs. That’s a problem for both of us. If you land, it could destroy our civilization. I’m assuming that means something to you, or you’d hesitate less to show yourselves. If you haven’t noticed, we’ve been up to a lot of stupid crap lately. It looks like we might destroy ourselves at any moment. If you’re human, that must bother you – and I’m sure you have politics and ideas of your own about that. You might even imagine you can help, but I’m asking you to think long and hard before interfering. Even minor adjustments – like when you gave us microprocessors, the internet, and Steve Buscemi – could have catastrophic consequences.

A note on the kidnappings – and I don’t mean me personally since I’ve never even seen a UFO, unless you blanked my memory. And that’s what I’m talking about. It looks like you poltergeist certain families and individuals. You use some sort of perception interference, keeping people’s minds from functioning properly. But it doesn’t work very well, and you frequently end up traumatizing your victims. Your equipment might simply need a tune-up, but really, you should just stop abducting people and screwing with their memories. No matter what you tell yourselves, it’s wrong to mess with people’s neurological processes without consent – even if it blanks the recollection of an anal probing. And that’s another thing… you wouldn’t really do something like that, would you? Even if you’re only a couple of hundred years ahead of us, we both know you can do better than that. It doesn’t even sound like you use lube! Don’t you have some process improvement specialists who can look into this?

I admit that I sometimes have paranoid thoughts: like you might hate Earth people, or be space-fascists, or maybe you saved Elvis and put him in a rubber body that looks nothing like the King. What if you can cure cancer and war, but won’t? Dear humans from an advanced civilization, if any of this is true, please get in your spaceships, point them at a distant star, and take off for good.

Otherwise, maybe we can find a way to coexist. I, for one, would gladly accept a no lube anal probing in exchange for a guided tour of the solar system. There. I said it.

Live long and prosper & nanu nanu.

C. Anthony Biron

If you love my work, why not buy me a coffee?

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